Living the Dream

Group love

The journey continues. An emotional night in the lighter life house. Before and midway/ after photos were shocking. It is hard to comprehend how far we have come in such a short time, but that short time has also taken forever in my mind... I don't expect people to understand that.

The girls I am doing this with are amazing beautiful people and I am so delighted they are my travelling partners!

Seeing my before and after photos next to each other I honestly believed they could have been enhanced airbrushed whatever you want to call it. I had no idea of what my shape was really spent so long hiding in my long grey cardigan! I think it is almost time to say goodbye to the comfort of my cardi though. When I was shopping with Dad walking through the car park, I do still walk around all the cars to avoid knocking wing mirrors off with my enormous arse! But the honesty is I really have no clue what size my arse is!

Found a swimming costume today that has to be big enough to cover Brazil if/when it rains. Was mortified! I actually waddled around beside a pool in another country wearing it!

I know when I stop worrying about being fat I will be worrying about getting fat again or being unhealthy some other way. But I am at the moment concentrating on eradicating fatme.

off to Ipswich to stay with Sal for a bit which will be a nice change to get away from the Harborough town.

Sending big love out to all the people who need it xxxxxxxxx

Fat is just another issue.

This weekend we went to stay at our friends house and a very genuine 'Wow you are looking really well' really gave the old motivation a little bit of a boost!

Louise is going to be 16 next weekend and this weekend I officially hit the lowest I have weighed in over ten years!

We went to Lincolnshire and they have the biggest dog in the world lol Ellie the Great Dane. On Saturday we took the kids out for the day as it is always great to spend time with them, and last time we went we took them to Skeggy and had the best fish and chips I have ever eaten down in 'chip pan alley' We went to Hunstanton Seaside and we walked loads and had a lovely day, I went armed with my milkshake and bar. We went to the arcade played on some machines and Louise, Andrew and I went on the dance machine, which has always been my favourite way to pass time at the seaside. Then we walked along the promenade and went to a little sweet shop for the kids, Andrew bought a bag of sweets the size of his head Louise bought some strawberry things and Chris got some sweeties too. Then we walked further down to the fun fair. Chris and Andrew stood scoffing their sweeties while Louise and I went on the Waltzers (which lasted like five minutes!!) Was really good fun and 8 years since I went on the Waltzers!

Then we went to play CrAzY GoLf and I got a hole in one on the first go!!! then I started playing without fluke luck on my side and was uber crap. But it was ok as we walked a long way and had a lot of fun and we even made some random people laugh with how truly funny we are!

Then after Golf it was lunch time... (stressing out about it all day) Went to a fish and chip restuarant and they all had fish and chips which smelt amazing. Chris offered me some of his fish and I said 'ok' then I said ' nah it's not worth it' Out loud I said 'It won't taste as good as it will feel to wear size 12 jeans' It was bloody hard sitting there while they all ate. I held off eating my bar and ate it in the car on the way home with my bottle of water.

I was really good and I cooked Spaghetti Bolagnaise for everyone and that was hard too, smelt amazing - but i had my orange next to me and was nibbling it like sherbet.

Not been to the toilet for 4 days was trying to ride the waves with it and just go when I need, but my body isn't happy with it, so taken a laxative and hoping now something will make a change! Who'd have thought poo would be on my mind this much!? lol

Looking forward to a week with my lovely sister and hoping to rock her world a little bit by cooking and helping her out a little bit and hopefully going to the cinema with her wednesday if she fancies it.

Not finished my collage yet but have started it which is good. Got it all planned out but the paint is still wet :O(

Must find something to wear tomorrow for mid way piccies so better scootch off :O)

Could talk all night tonight!

Love everybody, but especially your body xxx

Gym Bunnies

This week is going to be a really tough one, I can feel it! the end of foundation is in sight.

Anyone who gives me half an inch to talk about my crazy dieting antics, I take it and run a mile with it, completely unable to notice when people switch off or don't want to talk about it!

Only two more days at work before I am off for two weeks wahoo!!!

Next Monday it is midway point photos, to compare to fat day which is now what I shall call 4th January for the rest of my life... lets declare it as a public holiday in honour of all the fat ladies that turned into skinny birds by starting the journey of a life time on that day!

Have no idea what I am going to wear and if I should get my hair cut or wait for the finals days to go about doing this, I guess we will have to wait and see!

I have been reviewing my goals a bit - I had my heart set on 75kilos, which might be achievable but I am starting to think it is going to be a bit more like 79. We'll see when I get there which should be around May 31st not far not long to go!

Been to the gym with the lovely and ever increasing in the Hot Mum stakes Lady Donna. She looks fabulous and I really enjoy the time we spend rabbiting on and making an hour and fifteen minutes in the gym easier than it has ever been before and almost dare I say it enjoyable?!

Friday night we are driving up to Lincolnshire to see our fantastic friends that we haven't seen for ages, but they love me and will be so understanding and there will be no pressure to eat.

then Monday is LL day and Tuesday I am going to stay with my sister in Ipswich and then going to go to the inlaws for Easter, which will be fine I don't need to eat, hopefully we can go out somewhere for a lovely long walk and a spot of adventure and maybe even see a bit of seaside would be lovely. Then back for a jot more Lighter life antics on the next Monday.

Planning my collage now, it is so my kind of thing and so much fun I am going to get started on it tomorrow night now most of the plans are in place for it.

Love all my ladies in my group. Couldn't have come this far without them.

Chris has also been a real star, might have been a complete utter cow to him throughout but he is still my biggest fan and cheers and champions me on for the most part! Hurrah it isn't forever!

Thursday in London in Pain

Feeling bit pissed off today. Am not well. Doing the diet to get healthy and it seems to be a series of things going wrong with me. Am not going to give up though, as I am doing it for the greater good.

For some reason all the things that I would once have felt embarrassed about I seem to have no problem at all talking about them, which is good news really as there seems to be plenty of them!

Work meeting in London today and NOBODY noticed haven't seen anyone since January either... OK OK maybe they all too polite to say anything! lol never mind I am doing it for myself not for anyone else.

Feeling really grumpy with myself back to the 'why did you do this to yourself?' stage! Bleughhh.

Never mind avoiding lunch was easy today as the food actually looked really rough! Thank the lord for minging looking sandwiches. Had my bard for lunch which was lovely and for some reason tasted nicer today than it has in weeks!

been thought recording and writing diary and read the whole of the green ll book today. Also found some great books on overeating whilst browsing the biggest bookstore in Europe today, which I am going to order in and read a couple of.

Had a black coffee in Nero which was something around 'Putrid!'

cant wait until bath is finished tomorrow am treating my best buddy to a special time at the beautician, and then I am getting me a big princess bath!

Moan Moan Moan what an old bag I have turned into!

zzzzzzzzz

xoxo

Seriously how much crud is out there for me and when oh when will it get any better?!

I honestly don't know how I made it this far today without eating something I shouldn't have!

First job of the day was to deal with an unhappy customer, who just got even more unhappy. He was pretty mean and made me cry! So I was like right its tea break... instead of going out and buying a massive bag of maltesers and over indulging on them I kept my cool and reorganised things keeping my mind busy.

I am exhuasted today and have embarassing aches and pains that I must see the doctor about Friday.

Think I will be asleep by 8pm

My Name is Earl Shelley

I found tonight really, really useful.

I have had a good week to be honest, not the best weight loss for me and I had hoped for a couple of extra pounds, but it has still been good as I actually started to deal with my reasons.

I did a bit of an Earl actually and I went through my fat life and set about finding some reasons and wrote myself a list of stuff to deal with. I started on it this week. I am not going to be able to do it all at once and yes it is going to be bloody hard BUT I know now I need to do it.

The more I tried to just 'forget about it' the more it was getting to me! And when stuff gets to you crazy things happen like you can hear pickled onions calling your name, so you open the jar and one jumps out and right into your mouth before you can even think straight!

But none of that I am going to deal with my issues, I want to lose this weight I want to think like an adult (most of the time, well about food anyways!) I will achieve my goals because I know I can. I have put my mind to so many things in the past and succeeded. I know I can put that experience to good use and find a way to achieve this, because this means more to me than anything else.

Nothing is going to taste as good as the feeling I am going to get when I reach my goal and look in the mirror and see a happy girl standing in front of me.

xxx

Letter to Myself...

In Week 3 we had to write a letter to ourselves and here is mine. In full honesty.

25th January 2010

My Dearest Body,

I am taking this opportunity to apologise for my complete lack of care and respect for you over the years.

I have realised that I have been unfair, taken you for granted, blamed you and made excuses for the way you look - I know the truth is the problem lies with me.

I am sorry for all the times I have started to diet and take more exercise and not follow it through, giving in to temptation and messing you around.

I am also sorry for binging harder and secretively when I have felt down or when people have upset me over the way we look.

I am mostly sorry for putting our health at risk and for not being strong enough to change my ways.

Thank you for working hard to try and stay healthy for me, despite all my abuse to you.

I want to show my gratitude to you, and to do this I am making a promise.

I promise that I will lose the weight we have gained through my carelessness by following the lighter life plan. I promise I will be more active to help to achieve this. I promise we will look good, feel good and be healthy and most of all I promise I will never put us through this again.

It is no longer mind versus body, we are in it together, for life.

With love, care and respect,

Shelley x

I can't believe it is already 15th March...

15th of March already! It has gone fast, every year for at least the last ten my new years resolution has been to lose weight. It has never lasted this long! AND I have never lost this much, especially not this fast.

This week though, despite having the motivation of the photos has been a pretty hard one. Not had enough days off from work, had to work exceptionally late one night as well for stock take which is always an incredibly stressful time.

Went to the gym on Thursday with Donna which made me feel better especially with all the chatting we do! But I still didn't feel wonderful as the next day all my muscles were hurting in my neck and down my back and I felt tired and run down. It is so boring feeling like that constantly... I fell asleep really early on Friday night whilst trying to watch a film had no energy. I know it is more to do with overworking myself and not the diet.

Anyway last night I had run myself a princess bath and lit my candles and though I would have a quick wee before I got in the bath. I could here a funny dripping sound coming from the bath, I checked all the taps the plug and everything and could still hear it, then I pulled the bath panel off and saw a huge puddle of water under the bath... great a leak! So I emptied the bath so we could see where it was dripping from ... bye bye princess bubbles :O( Didn't even get to dip my toe in.

So now our bath is broken two cracks in it... stupid old bath :O( Someone is coming out to measure up for a new one tomorrow though, hopefully on Friday they will be able to come and replace it and we can have a nice new one with a shower mixer tap heads!

On Saturday I went round to see Mum and Courtney and I asked my mum if she had kept a dress from when I was 17, I just thought I would like to see it again :O) She thinks she has but she couldn't find it. She did pull out a leather jacket though.. which I wasn't sure I could pull off but it does look OK on. AND she found a chinese style dress that I wore out night clubbing once when I was 17 and she was like try it on, I really didn't think it would fit me. I put it on and it does fit, I have no where to wear it out and no real intention of wearing it anywhere, BUT the fact I can fit in it and it is actually a little on the big side means I am now skinnier than I have been for 10 years! Scary thought!

It has been the hardest ten weeks of my life totally challenging emotional roller coaster ride and it's not over yet! x

Wowsers... if I was to compare myself to an animal before... what's bigger than an Elephant???

Gee WOWSERS... Penny!!!

On Monday we got our 'before' photos handed out, the ones we had taken on day zero of the diet at the very first meeting!

Bugger me, I was fat, I knew I was fat, but I can honestly say, hand on heart I had not realised that I was that big. And that scares the shit out of me!

This diet is far from the easiest diet in the world. I keep hearing people say oh 'that is so easy.' It is nothing to do with the calorie intake... I can cope with that! It is the tricks you play on yourself, the things you learn along the way, the things you have to deal with, that you didn't even realise were a problem to start with. I am learning a lot about myself that maybe I knew deep down already, but this has brought the realisation.

Sunshine yellow or not, I am worried about the after. I don't ever want to be like that again, I know people loved me regardless, I just didn't love me, and that is the most important thing of all. I can't let other people love me if I don't love myself. I want to join the gym so I can go with Chris and go to the classes with people too. but I can't afford to do that and LL, so after I will join and there will be much fun to have.

With lots of work left to do I am going to make an action plan. Plan further abstinence and RTM and plan activities that will assist me with my weight loss.

Bit from before...

I had the best weekend of my life and it involved work! I had the fantastic, lovely and very engaging and inspirational Children's author Jacqueline Wilson come for an event. There were over 350 people there and everything went as organised, to plan, bang on the money! I had such a great day, I was interviewed by BBC Radio 4, I had to do a little intro to begin with and a round up at the end. I felt great and people told me I look great and I was Uber focussed and at the end of the day I felt relieved that it went well, but I also felt amazing. I had run round like a loony all day no sitting, stopping, relaxing and I have not felt fitter or healthier in years and years.

Thanks body and mind for being strong enough to put of with the crap I have thrown at you over the years. I promise I am changing for the better xxx

Piss It!

Ate a fucking pickled onion! what is wrong with me?!

Had so many great comments today about my weight loss and how great I look and the little pickle just got me! Arghh!!!

Crazy Loonatic Wanders Market Harborough for 3 Hours!

Well it is official I am a loonatic.

Had a brief brush with not being in Ketosis yesterday. Stupid throat infection (I had suspected it was tonsilitis) I thought...'yeah I will be OK to eat these Halls sugar free throat sweets' When apparently no I wasn't OK to eat them.

HMPHH!

Had a good old Bridget Jones dry brush of myself after my shower this morning, wanted a bath but Dad came round. Was really super to see him, I haven't seen him for exactly a month and he said that I look FAB AND he called me 'Slim' as in 'See ya later Slim' which made my day! I have stopped seeing the results myself really and starting to rely on people noticing to know that it is going well. Still a scaredy cat of the mirror and never have a good old look in one. Catching myself in reflections is funny, I did go back for a second look as I couldn't believe how different my face has become.

So the lapsing with the cabbage thing has made it difficult this week... oooooo wanting every bloody thing.

I walked all the way to Morrisons 'i'm gonna eat, nothing can stop me, I am an adult if I want to eat I will make that decision to eat!' crap rumbling through my mind. I filled up my basket with grapes, kiwi fruits, onion bhaji, spring onions. walking round 'I could have a Cumberland sausage ring if I want one, maybe I do, maybe I will...' I keep walking the whole of the shop and end up leaving with a bottle of bloody water as I deposited the rest of the basket around the shop, changing my mind as I went.

Again today I went into Wilkinson's bought a massive bag of Haribo Strawbs(no way not a regular, small, 10p bag, but a EFF off mega bag for £1.59... I walked around with it weighing me down for a little while... I am a loonatic I mentioned this in the title! Anyway I went back and asked for a refund, 'reason for refund?' ..... 'Erm... I bought them accidently?'

It is official I have lost my marbles!Why am I doing this to myself? Why don't I just stay away from the bloody places?

I am hoping to god that there is some form of good news today in the weight loss stakes.

I have been doing the thought record things this week too. As soon as I think to myself 'I'm gonna eat chicken, or I'm going to eat onions' I wander back in my mind to see if I can work it out, turns out I think I eat if I have something to celebrate, I eat if I am having a shit day, I eat if I am bored. Now what... find something else to do in all of those situations!

Please please god let me be in Ketosis when I go to the meeting tonight and I will stop thinking about food so much and I will limit my Food Porn viewing to twice a week!?

FlabbyArmed Shell x